Food Intolerance Haikus

sketch of milk carton with red circle and cross out.
Food allergies, intolerances, and food restrictions got you down? Yeah, me too! Here are some silly haikus to hopefully make you groan and then laugh. Photo image from Pixabay.

Food Intolerance Haikus

When I laugh, you would laugh too.  I’ve been told my laugh is more infectious than the Ebola virus and stomach flu, combined. One time, I made a tent full of people laugh so hard that people came running in to see what was going on. All they got to see was a Chinese woman squealing louder than a penguin being tickled.

In the world of food allergies, intolerances, autoimmune diseases, and chronic illnesses, food journalism is an understandably serious subject. I do not write nearly as often as I should or could, mostly because I spend a lot of time researching food subjects and “getting it right.” My readers deserve the best.

However, I thought it was time to also give you a little lightness and levity in the midst of all that seriousness. Why now? Because if I have to add the indignity of having had 21 days of runny, antibiotic-driven diarrhea post dog bite to the 2017 year, I might as well throw in there the bowel prep for a colonoscopy (wait for it) — three days before Thanksgiving Day. Nothing worse than clear liquid poo to make me want to crack a few jokes.

Yes, I chose this. It’s the right time, I’m due for a colonoscopy,  our insurance will cover most of the cost, and it is still magnesium citrate hell. Maybe I’ll get an IV chaser or two afterwards.

So for your reading pleasure, and for kicks and giggles, here are my lovingly crafted Food Intolerance Haikus (with references to autoimmune disease and my chronic illness, Medullary Sponge Kidney). I hope to add to these every year. Feel free to share with others who understand.

And yes, I  do know that food allergies, intolerances, Autoimmune Disease, and Chronic Illnesses, in themselves, are not funny. Adults and children suffer and some die from complications of these conditions. I am not making fun of them, but rather the eye-rolling situations many of us find ourselves in every day of the year as we manage to make food fun again.

As a reminder, I don’t edit for course language. It is what it is. Parental discretion is advised.

Carry on (and read more for the silly haikus).

Food Intolerance Haikus

Ingredient List
If it is "healthy"
Why does it have so many
dumb ingredients?

Herpetiformis Dermatitis
You always show up
On that joint, right on my back
Where I cannot reach

Barf Break
I look in that bowl
Sparkling clean, while
drops of vomit splash high

Corn Oil
A special hell for
any resto who uses
corn oil, period
Sorry, Not Sorry
You baked this for me,
It has nuts, oats, and quinoa
Sorry, not sorry.
No, You Didn't
You did not just brush
most of the peanut pieces
off that dish, did you?

No Buffet For You
The smallest drop of
creamy salad dressing floats
on non-dairy one

Resto Gluten-Free Pizza
I had to have you,
but you had me at "Hello,
huge hospital bill"

Holiday  Food Blues
Butter, milk, garlic
mash potatoes and stuffing,
no pie for GF 

MSK (Medullary Sponge Kidney)
I never knew it,
my kidney has its own way
Honks louder than car

I Can Have This
No forgiveness, I
prepare to swan dive into
flourless choco cake

Submission Ideas from Friends:
Free, Not Free
Gluten “free”, nut “free”,
Corn “free”, soy “free”? Then, why is 
it so costly, hmm? 
(submitted by K. Rapp)

Full Body Hose Off
New house rule, you eat
wheat, barley, rye,  dairy?
Full body hose off.
(idea submission, A. Han)

Waiter Doesn't Know Gluten
Waiter doesn’t know
Go ask about it again
Fuck up and I sue
(submitted by M)

Toxic Gas
Small amount of milk
Potential generation
Such a toxic gas
(submitted by S. Raybuck


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